Golf. I'm sure you're imagining the traditional 18-hole course. That would work too. I don't know how diverse the field would be, country-wise, but it could be entertaining to see 18 hole golf played in the style of a preliminary round, a semifinal round (maybe 8 players), and a final round (maybe 4 players), with a sudden death playoff if necessary. Finish it on the Saturday of the final weekend (it would take too long to play on Sunday).
But this is the Olympics, damn it. The Olympics are about different disciplines of sports as much as they're about the different sports themselves. So in addition to the traditional 18-hole Golf, add Pitch 'N Put and Mini Golf. Get the best in the world at each of those disciplines and have them compete for a medal. Can you imagine having to hit the ball through the Olympic rings sitting on the rotating blades of the windmill on the 18th trying to earn Gold?
Bowling. Yes, Bowling. It's another sport that belongs in the Olympics, mostly because you see it on television, there are 2 disciplines, and it's a distant cousin of Curling from the Winter Olympics. You have the traditional ten-pin game, and very popular in some areas, candle pin bowling. Maybe make this one line the biathlon and have the competitors compete in both (a 4 game set of each on different days).
Baseball. Okay, that's a cheap shot. While I'm here, I'll say Softball too. Both are being missed for the first time in the Olympics this year.
Horse Racing. On paper, I want to say that there are different disciplines (think of how the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Steaks, and Belmont are different, along with grass course running and the marathon), but I don't know how easily a horse could do these 5 races over a 2 week period. And it would feel really really weird without a betting line (I'm going out on a ledge here and saying there's no gambling on the Olympics). But give the medals to the horses. They earned it a lot more.
Cross Country. Maybe it already is part of Athletics. If not, it should be. But with my rules, "Cross Country" is a little bit different. Well, maybe we can run both disciplines. And this is a cousin of Cross-Country Skiing from the Winter Olympics. Let me take the most recent Winter games from Canada as an example because the geography is a bit more familiar to me. Start the race in Toronto, and head west to Vancouver (across the country). First three to the host city get medals. And of course, there should be the traditional (think high school track) cross country competition (of which, I don't really know the rules, other than it's not on an actual track, and it's not quite a marathon).
Cross Country Swimming. Maybe it's like what I described above for skiing and running. Maybe it better resembles the high school cross country event, but in the water. Maybe you compete in the flat water course.
Cross Country Cycling. Ya, Tour de France style. Bicyclists can handle going from Toronto to Vancouver over 2 weeks time much better than runners, swimmers, or skiiers. But there's no "stages" like there is in the real Tour de France. If you stop overnight, you're at a disadvantage.
Shuffleboard. This is one that's a first-cousin of Curling from the Winter Olympics. In fact, Curling is Shuffleboard on ice (which leads to a bit more strategy). When I think of Shuffleboard, I think of Senior Citizens on a cruise or in a retirement community in Florida playing the game outdoors.
White Water Polo. This one combines 2 sports - Water Polo (an actual Olympic event) and White Water Rafting, a distant cousin of Canoe/Kayak Slalom (another real Olympic event). Just picture it. And while I'm here, how about Kayak Jumping? It's kayakers (is that what they're called?) jumping over each other for judges.
White Water Swimming. It's like the regular Swimming, but on the white water course where White Water Polo is played.
Cliff Diving. I think Jim McKay covered this one on ABC's Wide World of Sports. I'm thinking this one has judges in it (like Diving, but much much higher up, without any type of springboard, and outdoors).
Survivor. It can be a sport. It might be a sport for the animals on the deserted island , but the last 3 surviving competitors get medals (and unlike in the real TV show, they get banished from being on television ever again).
Eating. Major League Eating is a real thing. ESPN covers the Hot Dog competition on the 4th of July. It's a sport, and it should be in the Olympics. There are all kinds of food disciplines on their website. Let them eat for medals. Let them eat the medals too. Hell, make Competitive (alcoholic) Drinking an Olympic event too. Maybe that's going to send the wrong message.
Yachting. I didn't even realize Sailing was an actual Olympic event. You know what? Have a Winter Olympics version of it. Call it "Iceberg Sailing".
Billiards. Yes, billiards. It's another one that used to get airtime on ESPN. Think about how many different versions of pool can be played. Make it a round robin competition and awards medals after a knockout round.
Walking. I say it. It sounds funny. But it is actually an Olympic event. I include it because George Carlin once ripped on it.
Polo. Not Water Polo. That's real (and it's cruel on the horses). I mean this game with people on horses. Heck, give the horses the medals. Mix it up a little, and do what George Carlin suggested in that joke. Have the horses compete in a large pool. Ya, maybe that's cruel.
Light Saber Fencing. A cousin of Fencing, it's competed in almost complete darkness. I say "almost" because the sabers are illuminated.
M.C. Escher racing. I have to explain. First, there's the paintings of M. C. Escher. Like this one.
Just imagine racing on a course that was built like this.
Boomerang toss. I'm not sure how to measure a winner, but it's in a family somewhere between Javelin Throw and Archery.
And there you have it. Go team go!
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